Archive for May, 2011
Please Do Touch
When I see a sign that says, “Please don’t touch,” there is something inside me that feels sad. I feel sad because if I must shop, I like brushing the back of my hand against fabrics, and I am inclined to gently squeeze the fruit at the grocery store. If there is a lipstick color that catches my eye, I am pulling out my retractable brush from my purse and painting it one layer at a time on my pouty lips. During the third performance of Degenerate Art Ensemble‘s, The Red Shoes, I was never more aware that I wanted to touch — and be touched by — every element of this artistic presentation by DAE, as if I was holding up a sign that says, “Please do touch!” If you’re lucky, you’ll catch their last Seattle performance on June 19, and maybe you’ll be touched too.
Have you seen DAE's Red Shoes? Last Seattle performance is June 19, 2011 (tickets are limited).
DAE’s The Red Shoes is their interpretation of Hans Christian Anderson’s horrific fairy tale about a woman’s cursed life to dance herself to death while chasing her creative lust. Lust is sprinkled throughout the entire performance, with its rich vocalization work provided by guest dancer and vocalist Dohee Lee, a marching band, Botoh and modern dance artist Haruko Nishimura, the St. James Cathedral, and even the audience itself. By the end of the multi-venue performance, you want to be touched and to touch the artists, including a playful moment of virtual catch between Haruko and audience members paced a hundred feet away.
If you need any persuasion to see performance art of this kind, take a peek at this video clip to view Haruko’s organic style:
I personally find it delightful how the stage dissolves between the viewer and the artist, and what is experienced becomes greatly shaped by the viewers themselves. As we trooped by the ice cream truck surgery scene, I laughed until I noticed that a little happy tear had popped out of my eyes in the middle of my delight with this scene of made-up instruments. I wished that I could grab a violin bow and lightly pluck and pull on the strings of Haruko’s aluminum legs, and if it weren’t for the boundary placed between us, I would have definitely tried my hand at it.
Does this sound like celebrity fangirl speech? Is this any different from women falling apart and crying when Oprah walks by and says, “Hello, how are you?” to you, specifically? What I am describing is not the words of a fan wishing for a signature or a photo. Instead, it is the deep desire that we all hold within us to be seen — as well as to truly see — what is beautiful, what moves and touches us — what moves and touches me. It is beyond saying, “This is weird,” and “I’ve never seen this before.” I can only liken it to something like the first time you fall in love, and those strange moments of pain and confusion until one comes to know that that one has found love at last.
At several points in the presentation, Haruko moves amongst the audience and touches them, even indulging in an energetic crowd surfing moment as she is lifted above the heads of the audience. In the open square of St. James Cathedral, she walked into the crowd, randomly — and yet deliberately — picking people to see, and then to touch. I caught her eye, and while she looked at another person first, she quickly shifted her gaze to me, smiled, walked towards me, and with a sweet smile on her face (yet, still in character), she caressed my face. [Editor's note: if you want to know how to get anyone to pay attention to you, please download a copy of Violet Blue's Total Flirt App, for iPhone and Android].
My reaction? *melt melt melt* [insert puddle of warm butter]
The best art moves us to feel everything the artist intends us to feel … and then some. If what it takes to inspire us in our wired, virtual, online life is a brief but meaningful caress, I will pull out my iPad, draw the words, “Please Do Touch” on the wallpaper, and shamelessly strap it to my body in the hopes that other artistically-minded people (and not pervs and perps!) know how to skillfully touch, as another generation learns how to hide behind their laptops instead of stand in front of them. We can’t, we just can’t, lose these skills. If we do, we’re truly and utterly lost and alone.
That night, I dreamed that I looked up Haruko and Dohee in order to find out how I could throw myself at their feet and dance with them. We flung ourselves about the room, like dolls catching dolls in succession. I slept and slept and slept, until I awoke with the desire to move and jump and dance and play. Still, their voices and movements are in my mind.
When did you ever experience this? What was it like? How did it influence your creativity? How can creative expression permeate more of your everyday life?
Do What You Know
Having attended a number of blogging conferences, workshops and seminars on podcasting and branding, and rubbed shoulders with those who have “made it” (i.e. have achieved some level of measurable success), I have stood in the back of the room listening to the wistful questions and unabashed announcements of tomorrows hopeful bloggers and startups. They ask about how to launch their good ideas, and they stay behind with others to glean tips and tricks, sometimes hoping to find shortcuts. I noticed a few years ago how success presentations had this motto that sounds like this:
“Do what you love, and the rest will follow.”
But I want to add another observation to that. Don’t just do what you love. Do what you know. Do something that you not only enjoy, but that you’re good at.
From an earlier day (and what sometimes feels like another lifetime!), I used to hang around a lot of religious people. Some of them taught me about this phrase called “transferrable concepts”, and though the terms were being used in the context of evangelical thought, it certainly isn’t limited to religious philosophy and practice. A transferrable concept is any skill, thought process, method, or practice which has applications across multiple platforms or environments. When a person is switching career tracks in mid-life, s/he would do well to take inventory of any skills that can be applied in multiple settings, because starting over in a new career at 45 is different from starting a new career at 21. However, skills such as speaking in public, preparing presentations, organization skills, and natural charisma and entertainment can transfer to a variety of settings, especially in the world of work and entrepreneurship.
The street performer in the Youtube video has made it clear that he is a performer, has not started a family, and has a roof over his head. He made this video to represent the hundreds of people and families who are homeless and invisible to many who pass them by on the streets. My point in sharing the video is to show you that there are many ways to use your skills if you understand what it is that you do, and you choose to do what you know.
Many years ago, I made the decision to step away from the clinical setting even though I have a cherished education in Nursing and a registered nurse license. Without knowing the other pieces that would come into play, I went on a search to find the best way for me to apply my skills in the workforce. If someone had told me I’d be a psychotherapist pushing a platform that merges the arts, healthcare, and charitable organizations together while using my love and knowledge of writing and business together, I’d probably look at them like he was an alien with three heads. Seriously, that idea wasn’t even conceivable for me.
Finding my voice and place in the world of blogging has been about doing what I know, and then building on that to expand my knowledge wide enough to press into doing what I love. I see so much passion in people for all kinds of ideas, but they don’t always stop to think about what it is they know, to start there, and then to add on what they don’t know so they can grow their ideas into reality.
Now, I realize that for every example of people sharing stories of doing what they know, the backlash will come forward from those who started with doing what they love first, and then adding on what they know. Maybe we’re both wrong, and it’s a simultaneous thought and action process that leads us down the path of connection with others, and the launching of brilliant ideas that effect people’s lives. I can’t say from my POV, because obviously, I haven’t gotten there yet.
I’m not a celebrity. I’m not well known.
People don’t stalk me for my picture or signature.
As far as I know, I’m not the subject of nasty gossip or vicious rumors (thank G-d).
At the same time, it incredible validation from so many personal interactions with the public who encounter my story and say to me, “Wow, of course that makes a lot of sense for you to do what you do because you have so much knowledge and personal experience.”
Do what you know. And of course, I hope it’s also something that you love.
What do you think? Does doing what you know or doing what you love come first? What’s your story? Is it usually enough to do what you love without much knowledge of the topic? For example, if you like talking to people about car racing, but you’ve never gotten in the cockpit of a race car, can you expect an audience or a brand based on your passion for race car driving?
Why I Am Done With OK Cupid and Online Dating
I am done with OK Cupid.
Yep, I’m done! Finished. Fine.
I am also done with online dating. Hasta la vista, baby.
At the end of a dating experience that left me disappointed and thinking about what it is I wanted out of a relationship (besides sex the night before and breakfast the next day, lol!), I thought a lot about my choices as a professional, a woman, and the resources available to make dating more positive and meaningful. After experimenting with online dating through OK Cupid for about three months, I can now say I’ve done my best, and now I’m done with it. Plain and simple, I’m out.
To explain to you the reasons why I am done involve back tracking through my experiment in using technology to find people with whom I might have similar interests and enough in common to warrant an IRL (in real life) meeting with someone. While offline dialogue can be fraught with misunderstandings, it was time to use my own training on relationships to seek one for myself, and to do this using the one method I had once felt adverse to try: online dating.
What I discovered might surprise you.
1. Prepare for the waterfall. And what a wonderful, cascading waterfall of men is it. OK, sure – there are a few men who need to work on their approach and profile, but there were so many others who were thoughtful, poetic, and intelligent. Within several hours of putting up a profile on OK Cupid, I received over 200 inquiries; within a week, I had more responders than I knew what to do with. Who knew? Apparently, not me!
Lesson learned: as a woman, you get more inquiries if you 1) ask for what you want, 2) have an attractive picture of yourself. Yes, you run the risk of being judged by your appearance. But let’s be honest here. We women are judging the men right back. Wearing baggy basketball shorts and a wife beater T-shirt in your 40′s? Next!
2. Take time to consider security and privacy. I was shocked how many people used their real name within their profiles, stating that honesty and transparency were the reasons why they are including their name and phone number in a message. Having been advised by others to do so, I decided not to give out my name or number to anyone unless after a first date, I had interviewed the person and felt moved to do so.
Your search for love can be anonymous.
Lesson learned: it is fine to use a pseudonym. Any man who overreacts to your desire to remain anonymous does not understand the preciousness of the life you wish to protect. I would also advise men to do the same, as I have heard stories of women who terrorized their date after a sour encounter with a flood of angry emails, texts, phone calls, and even unannounced visits. Just say “no” to stalking behavior.
For those of us who have a stronger online presence, there are a few more steps you should consider in regards to privacy. I highly recommend you talk to someone who can advise you about safety without instilling inordinate amounts of paranoia in your head. It’s worth doing.
3. Create a strategy for finding the love that you want. My plan: 15 dates in 30 days, with the resolve to not accept second-round and elimination-round dates, if necessary, until after the first 30 days. I became an inquisitive speed shopper. During and after the date, I would take time to ask my key questions, write down observations, and record my “gut” instinct about whether or not I would want to see the person again for a second date. It’s all in an Evernote, for quick reference! I needed notes because frankly, the men were so good looking and dreamy, sweet and kind. But going on dates with different men can make it difficult to keep all the details separate, even though I have professional training to do so with hundreds of clients for my work. Keeping a few observations in writing felt like the most respectful thing to do to hold their stories straight and give myself a chance to consider each person carefully, as well as recover from the “swoon” affect of having so many bright and wonderful men engage me in a short period of time.
Lesson learned: not accepting second-round dates within the thirty days was actually harder than it sounds. I did not always honor my own plan, but I did try to stick to it the best I could. A professor once advised me to know the rules, love the rules, and therefore know where to break the rules. And so, I did. I broke my own rules. I have no regrets on that account. Still, a certain amount of restraint is in order. Dating can be exhausting.
Rather than put the decision of a second date on the shoulders of the man, I placed that decision on my own shoulders. I think it’s a often a default for many women to let the man do all the shopping, when the reality is this: women are the gate keepers. Men aren’t going to go anywhere with you if you don’t let them. If you say no, it ain’t happening.
4. Consider your feelings about dating several people at once. In my case, I chose to be transparent with all those with whom I accepted a date. Each was informed about my plan, and each man was given the option to “opt out” if he wasn’t comfortable with my man shopping plan.
I’ll be the first to tell you a few of men who inquired after me weren’t too pleased with my plan, though some of them were doing the same thing by soliciting dates from several women at once. Several told me my plan was bold. A few said they really respected my thoughtful process.
I can imagine that for a few, the thought of ending a fun date and imagining me having a date with someone else the next night could be anxiety-provoking. All of us like the idea of being chosen, even if only for the option of saying “no thank you”. The best I could do was to be fully present on each date, and give 100% of my attention to the man in front of me, enjoying him for all he is and all that his story holds, and being positive and encouraging. This aspect alone was perhaps the sweetest aspect of online dating, but I know that it isn’t for everyone. It takes a tremendous amount of presence and energy to care with that much intensity, and then to let go.
There is a certain joy I have in playing music that is unexplainable. My piano teacher, Mrs. Eleanor Hahn, used to tell me to play my notes on the piano as if I would never get to play them again, and to enjoy their resonance as each note sailed off into the universe, endlessly playing to the stars. Similarly, by singing each note of my life next to the note of the person sitting across from me, I have enjoyed the presence of these men, and I feel a some bitter-sweet sadness that it has come to an end.
5. Have an exit strategy. You should know how to graciously say “no thank you” after a date. You should also know when and how to end your online experience. These are not profiles you are dealing with – these are people who took as much risk as you do to say something about themselves. There is a certain amount of vulnerability I experienced when I clicked the “save” button, and posted my profile. The moments sending that profile “out there” were heavy, and though I’m not one prone to thumb biting, I suppose that might have been an appropriate action at the time!
You should have a sense of why you might take your profile down, change it, or update it. Having that same sensitivity towards those you interacted with says a lot about your respect towards yourself and others.
And so, here I am, done with online dating. I’m done, not just because the experiment is over, or I had a bad experience, or that no one is contacting me. I am done because I met someone special enough that I am taking my quivering heart, and my excitement mixed with a certain amount of fear that involves falling, and sliding my hand into his as my other hand is poised over the delete button. My profile has been disabled, after taking the time to wrap up some interactions with others gracefully and respectfully, and commenting on my experience with those who have drawn close enough to warrant it.
Thank you, online dating. Thank you, OK Cupid. You lost one more satisfied customer.
There were a number of you who responded both online and offline about my first foray into online dating. Please come back and leave your comments again. And for those reading this for the first time, I’d love to hear how your online dating experiences have been. I may be inclined to post an additional article about the best and worst of online dating, as many of my dates were amenable to sharing their best (and anonymous) stories of online dating happiness and horrors.
And for the rest of you who just found my blog because it is an “art blog”, I hope you’re not still scratching your head about why I’m talking about online dating here. But just in case you are, I highly recommend you re-watch the music medley of Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor in Moulin Rouge (starting out with “All You Need Is Love”), ending with Kidman’s whisper, “You’re going to be bad for business” (scroll up to see the Youtube clip from the movie).
I only wish she had also said how good he would be for art!
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