Archive for the ‘psychology’ Category
Why I Am Done With OK Cupid and Online Dating
I am done with OK Cupid.
Yep, I’m done! Finished. Fine.
I am also done with online dating. Hasta la vista, baby.
At the end of a dating experience that left me disappointed and thinking about what it is I wanted out of a relationship (besides sex the night before and breakfast the next day, lol!), I thought a lot about my choices as a professional, a woman, and the resources available to make dating more positive and meaningful. After experimenting with online dating through OK Cupid for about three months, I can now say I’ve done my best, and now I’m done with it. Plain and simple, I’m out.
To explain to you the reasons why I am done involve back tracking through my experiment in using technology to find people with whom I might have similar interests and enough in common to warrant an IRL (in real life) meeting with someone. While offline dialogue can be fraught with misunderstandings, it was time to use my own training on relationships to seek one for myself, and to do this using the one method I had once felt adverse to try: online dating.
What I discovered might surprise you.
1. Prepare for the waterfall. And what a wonderful, cascading waterfall of men is it. OK, sure – there are a few men who need to work on their approach and profile, but there were so many others who were thoughtful, poetic, and intelligent. Within several hours of putting up a profile on OK Cupid, I received over 200 inquiries; within a week, I had more responders than I knew what to do with. Who knew? Apparently, not me!
Lesson learned: as a woman, you get more inquiries if you 1) ask for what you want, 2) have an attractive picture of yourself. Yes, you run the risk of being judged by your appearance. But let’s be honest here. We women are judging the men right back. Wearing baggy basketball shorts and a wife beater T-shirt in your 40′s? Next!
2. Take time to consider security and privacy. I was shocked how many people used their real name within their profiles, stating that honesty and transparency were the reasons why they are including their name and phone number in a message. Having been advised by others to do so, I decided not to give out my name or number to anyone unless after a first date, I had interviewed the person and felt moved to do so.
Your search for love can be anonymous.
Lesson learned: it is fine to use a pseudonym. Any man who overreacts to your desire to remain anonymous does not understand the preciousness of the life you wish to protect. I would also advise men to do the same, as I have heard stories of women who terrorized their date after a sour encounter with a flood of angry emails, texts, phone calls, and even unannounced visits. Just say “no” to stalking behavior.
For those of us who have a stronger online presence, there are a few more steps you should consider in regards to privacy. I highly recommend you talk to someone who can advise you about safety without instilling inordinate amounts of paranoia in your head. It’s worth doing.
3. Create a strategy for finding the love that you want. My plan: 15 dates in 30 days, with the resolve to not accept second-round and elimination-round dates, if necessary, until after the first 30 days. I became an inquisitive speed shopper. During and after the date, I would take time to ask my key questions, write down observations, and record my “gut” instinct about whether or not I would want to see the person again for a second date. It’s all in an Evernote, for quick reference! I needed notes because frankly, the men were so good looking and dreamy, sweet and kind. But going on dates with different men can make it difficult to keep all the details separate, even though I have professional training to do so with hundreds of clients for my work. Keeping a few observations in writing felt like the most respectful thing to do to hold their stories straight and give myself a chance to consider each person carefully, as well as recover from the “swoon” affect of having so many bright and wonderful men engage me in a short period of time.
Lesson learned: not accepting second-round dates within the thirty days was actually harder than it sounds. I did not always honor my own plan, but I did try to stick to it the best I could. A professor once advised me to know the rules, love the rules, and therefore know where to break the rules. And so, I did. I broke my own rules. I have no regrets on that account. Still, a certain amount of restraint is in order. Dating can be exhausting.
Rather than put the decision of a second date on the shoulders of the man, I placed that decision on my own shoulders. I think it’s a often a default for many women to let the man do all the shopping, when the reality is this: women are the gate keepers. Men aren’t going to go anywhere with you if you don’t let them. If you say no, it ain’t happening.
4. Consider your feelings about dating several people at once. In my case, I chose to be transparent with all those with whom I accepted a date. Each was informed about my plan, and each man was given the option to “opt out” if he wasn’t comfortable with my man shopping plan.
I’ll be the first to tell you a few of men who inquired after me weren’t too pleased with my plan, though some of them were doing the same thing by soliciting dates from several women at once. Several told me my plan was bold. A few said they really respected my thoughtful process.
I can imagine that for a few, the thought of ending a fun date and imagining me having a date with someone else the next night could be anxiety-provoking. All of us like the idea of being chosen, even if only for the option of saying “no thank you”. The best I could do was to be fully present on each date, and give 100% of my attention to the man in front of me, enjoying him for all he is and all that his story holds, and being positive and encouraging. This aspect alone was perhaps the sweetest aspect of online dating, but I know that it isn’t for everyone. It takes a tremendous amount of presence and energy to care with that much intensity, and then to let go.
There is a certain joy I have in playing music that is unexplainable. My piano teacher, Mrs. Eleanor Hahn, used to tell me to play my notes on the piano as if I would never get to play them again, and to enjoy their resonance as each note sailed off into the universe, endlessly playing to the stars. Similarly, by singing each note of my life next to the note of the person sitting across from me, I have enjoyed the presence of these men, and I feel a some bitter-sweet sadness that it has come to an end.
5. Have an exit strategy. You should know how to graciously say “no thank you” after a date. You should also know when and how to end your online experience. These are not profiles you are dealing with – these are people who took as much risk as you do to say something about themselves. There is a certain amount of vulnerability I experienced when I clicked the “save” button, and posted my profile. The moments sending that profile “out there” were heavy, and though I’m not one prone to thumb biting, I suppose that might have been an appropriate action at the time!
You should have a sense of why you might take your profile down, change it, or update it. Having that same sensitivity towards those you interacted with says a lot about your respect towards yourself and others.
And so, here I am, done with online dating. I’m done, not just because the experiment is over, or I had a bad experience, or that no one is contacting me. I am done because I met someone special enough that I am taking my quivering heart, and my excitement mixed with a certain amount of fear that involves falling, and sliding my hand into his as my other hand is poised over the delete button. My profile has been disabled, after taking the time to wrap up some interactions with others gracefully and respectfully, and commenting on my experience with those who have drawn close enough to warrant it.
Thank you, online dating. Thank you, OK Cupid. You lost one more satisfied customer.
There were a number of you who responded both online and offline about my first foray into online dating. Please come back and leave your comments again. And for those reading this for the first time, I’d love to hear how your online dating experiences have been. I may be inclined to post an additional article about the best and worst of online dating, as many of my dates were amenable to sharing their best (and anonymous) stories of online dating happiness and horrors.
And for the rest of you who just found my blog because it is an “art blog”, I hope you’re not still scratching your head about why I’m talking about online dating here. But just in case you are, I highly recommend you re-watch the music medley of Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor in Moulin Rouge (starting out with “All You Need Is Love”), ending with Kidman’s whisper, “You’re going to be bad for business” (scroll up to see the Youtube clip from the movie).
I only wish she had also said how good he would be for art!
The Psychology of Dance
While I have quite a number of other topics of which to write, apparently my blog post about using the Barre for fitness struck a note, and it has also received the highest number of tweets of any single blogpost since I started this website in October 2009. It seems like the perfect segueway to talk about one of my favorite topics, the psychology of Dance. Not only is there an excellent book by the same title, but also it is a subject that connects with many of us, even if we’re not professional Company dancers.
What is your psychology of dance?
When it comes to the world of dance, and the depth there is within it, the psychology involved goes well beyond tutus, toe shoes, and hours of practice. If you take dance classes for longer than a few months of a year, you’re likely to build a connection with your instructor, co-instructors, fellow students, and the web of relationships and experiences each one of these people bring with them. After coaching and counseling artists and being a performance artist myself with professional dancers, musicians, actors, and actresses, it’s fair to say that we all come with our wounds, hopes, areas of strength, and emotional flaws. I’ve seen terrific dancers choke on a performance they know like the back of their hand. Musicians with tremendous skill can yell at another musician after committing an embarrassing mistake. Loved ones can criticize their spouses, sons, or daughters for not being perfect after all the hours given to practice, or sacrifices they have also experienced by supporting an artist. Don’t let me forget these others behaviors: cat fights, gossip, bullying, self-entitlement, stealing, complaining, and tattling. It’s enough to make you wince from time to time, and yet most of us from the inside of this world will tell you that we love what we do so much, we’re willing to tolerate and rise above most of these unpleasantries for the opportunity to develop ourselves in character as well as on the stage.
However, I have a big bone to pick when it comes to women and rivalry. I’ve written on the subject before (and I may repost the original article here shortly), and many of you who know me personally have already heard me wax on about the lengths some women have gone to in order to work out issues of deep insecurity and jealousy inspired by competition with other women, both on the dance floor and off. The world of dance, combined with a competitive spirit, has fueled some of the worst rivalries and damage to friendships that make some divorces look tame in comparison. While the dance world can also inspire tremendous creativity, joy, and fulfillment, no one who is honest with what they see can deny that like any other corporation, the dance Company also strugggles with issues of narcissism, jealousy, abuses of power, moments of paranoia, and paternalism.
Why do some artists become divas?
Why does dance appear to encourage (read: not cause) such nasty behavior among some (not all) women? Well, let’s review a few elements that end up being a part of a realistic picture of the typical performance artist’s life:
1. Competition for limited jobs/gigs/dance companies. Not everyone rises to the top.
2. Body image issues. Our society is focused on beauty. Dancers often struggle with their self-concept, and a dance environment can be filled with gossip about weight, appearance, breast size, age, etc.
3. Money. Unless a dancer is paid a good wage for the work, it’s not common for dancers to live primarily on an income derived solely from their art. A lower income is associated with poor access to health care, nutritional issues, lack of sleep from anxiety, or the need to take an additional job to make ends meet.
4. Identity. For some dancers, their identity becomes deeply enmeshed with what it is they do, i.e. dance. If anything interferes with their ability to dance, they can become upset, express feelings of loss, and may unconsciously project their issues in other areas of their life and close relationships.
5. Timeline and lifestyle. Some professional dancers must make difficult choices about delaying what would otherwise be age-appropriate experiences, such as having a normal romantic relationships or dating life, lazy weekends and social schedules, and bearing children. This is similar to other performance-oriented careers. I once spoke to a tennis star who was applying to a masters degree program much later than others he knew, because he had to put his education plans on hold while he was most active on the circuit. While his friends could enjoy a hotdog at a baseball game, his manager was there to remind him that he would not be eating the same food, and pulled out a take-out box of carefully prepared food appropriate for an athlete.
None of the above forces a person to become a diva, or to be so competitive with others that they forget their manners. What I find is that just a few choose to become divas, based on their personal history, circumstances, and the ways they have integrated the treatment of others over the years. Divas aren’t born overnight, in most cases. They are somewhat dormant until enough narcissistic insults occur, awakening and activating that response in the person. A cascade of behaviors follow, with one very important reinforcer: everyone gives that person what she wants (i.e. the gigs, power, control, reputation, etc). In order to avoid conflict, many well-meaning people allow the diva to develop his/her diva behavior without much negative consequence. Voila, a diva is born, and in some cases, we created her.
Let me be clear: for the sheer numbers of people who dance, there are very few real divas among them. At the same time, it’s a bit of a no-brainer that for those few to rise to the top, it requires a certain mindset to get there, and that mindset tends to include a high number of those elements that we would describe as competitive, ambitious, self-absorbed, driven, demanding, and aggressive behaviors. I would say the same thing for the majority of Social Media pundits and web celebrities, and anyone who achieves a high level of success.
For now, I stand behind my statement in the original post that Barre fitness oriented classes allow people to have the fitness benefits of a ballet class without the humiliation, diva behavior, or smelly feet. It was intended to poke fun at a world of professional dance that very few get to experience, and yes, it was meant to be funny, not insulting. For those who reach a high level of achievement in ballet dance, I tip my hat in deep respect to the incredible life you get to live, and we get to vicariously enjoy through your performances. But not everyone wants to actually live your dancer’s life, and that should be OK with you. Letting others touch a piece of it through their bodies in the form of a Barre method fitness class, Yoga, Pilates, or other free-form movement classes, is a gift because no matter how much technology we throw into our worlds, there is no replacement for bodily sensation, for the warm current of our blood and breath flowing through us when we learn to move in new ways.
Note: I welcome any and all well-written comments of response to this blog, and I assure my readers that your comments will be posted as long as they are free of expletives, hate speech, misogyny, or are just plain dumb.
How To Wear Red Lipstick
Red is a beautiful color. Perhaps some of you are thinking about the color red because Valentine’s Day is right around the corner. Recently, a friend from out-of-state contacted me for some advice about buying a red lipstick. Big deal, right? Well, it was a big deal, because it was a man asking how to buy and wear a red lipstick — the boldest and most psychologically powerful color — for his woman! He contacted me because I’m a performance artist, and he knows that more often than not, I wear red lipstick on a regular basis. Here is how to wear red lipstick like a professional, whether for stage or for behind the bedroom door.
Wear red lipstick like a pro
1. Understand color, texture, and light.
COLOR
If you’re a woman, you likely take for granted that the average woman can discern the subtleties of color as represented in the Pantone scale much easier than the average man. Our eyes are have likely evolved to be able to detect these differences as part of survival as the gatherers we once were. Detecting color, scent, and other differences meant the difference between poisonous foods and rotting meat. So don’t be surprised that women can walk into a store selling cosmetics and select the color she wants from a choice of over 200 shades of red.
Whether man or woman, you’ll want to look at the basic kinds of reds:
Blue reds — a red that has a bluish or cooler aspect to it. These look lovely against skin that has more red tones in it, to help “cool” the redness down. Actress Nicole Kidman could wear either a blue red or a red red, and pull both off nicely because of her pale skin.
Brown reds — a red with a more warm tone to it, which work well with women who love rich browns, beige, and neutral tones in their wardrobe. Care should be taken when wearing these reds, especially if she has had poor dental care, smokes, or has coffee/tea-stained teeth, as the brown in the lipstick will accentuate this. I consider brick and burgundy reds to be in this category. I’ll wear a brown red in the office when I don’t want to assault my
Red Reds — for lack of a better way to describe this, a red red has neither the blue or the brown undertone to it. An example of this would be CoCo Chanel‘s signature red lipstick.
TEXTURE
Lipsticks can be light as a veil, or thick and creamy, with emollients that nourish the lip but are sticky or greasy (a man I’ve kissed calls that quality, “Mookie”). If you don’t like the mookie feel, you’ll want to get a dry lipstick that you apply another clear seal to, but fills in the lines on a lip so that it looks smooth and finished, not feathered.
LIGHT
Lipsticks can contain a shine or gloss within them, be layered with gloss, or be mixed with glitter to create a “bling” effect for the lips. Lipsticks with these features reflect light, so on the stage or with bright room lighting, lips can look like a bright diamond, beckoning all who see it to “kiss the girl.”
Note to guys: when purchasing a lipstick for a woman, ask the seller to show you what it looks like on the inside of the seller’s wrist. The color will never look like it does from the tube. Don’t be shy about asking for several shades to be compared next to each other. She can always wash it off later. Also, I find that my favorite lipsticks do come at higher price (around $25 or more per tube). Considering how many times she’ll wear it, it’s worth the investment. If she hates the color you selected, she can return it with the receipt. Better yet, give her the option to return it on her own and select a color she prefers, and don’t be hurt if it is a shade or two different from the one you selected. After all, she may know better than you what makes her feel alluring. And that’s the point of buying her red lipstick, isn’t it?
2. Apply lipstick
She’ll need the following tools:
matching lipliner (or a shade lighter is fine)
lip primer (if you want the lipstick to stay longer and resist feathering with long wear, talking, drinking, or eating)
lip brush
glitter or gloss (optional)
I recommend going just outside the natural lip line with the liner to make plump lips look even larger. Unfortunately this does not look good on thin lips; stick to the natural lip line, and use warmer reds.
I swear by Mary Kay’s Triple Action Lip Enhancer. Make sure you let the application dry slightly, but my tip is to not let it dry all the way before you add the lipstick on top; that way, the lipstick dries with the product, and sets appropriately.
You can apply a sealing lipstick (usually matte) on top of of your lipstick in a matching color. I recommend this for anyone who dances while wearing makeup. That makeup will not budge unless you take makeup remover to it. The downside: it is very drying, and most men will find the texture too dry to be enjoyable, so don’t forget a nice soft coat of lip gloss just before you land one on him.
If you’re a guy reading this, don’t roll your eyes and give up! You’ve selected paint for your home, and you’ve decorated a room or an office, right? Selecting the tools and the colors for lipstick are like painting a room, except a lot easier. It takes a little time to learn what looks right, but when you see it on the one you love, you’ll like the results! Any man who goes through the trouble of noticing my favorite color or perfume and buys it for me gets a big thumbs up from me (and probably a nice kiss with that thumbs up, meow).
Advanced application: if you’re the guy, and you bought the lipstick for your woman, offer to put it on her. There is nothing more seductive than a man staring at her lips for ten minutes while he dresses them in a sexy color. Double meow!
P.S. If you’re going to wear red, you might as well invest in a matching shade of nail polish. I will usually buy it from the same brand to save myself the trouble of finding just the right shade from another brand. However, if that’s outside your price range, getting close enough is truly good enough when it comes to color because our eyes tend to close the gap when it comes to color differences in proximity.
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