Why I Am Done With OK Cupid and Online Dating

0 CommentsMonday • May 23, 2011 • by Imei

I am done with OK Cupid.

Yep, I’m done! Finished. Fine.

I am also done with online dating. Hasta la vista, baby.

At the end of a dating experience that left me disappointed and thinking about what it is I wanted out of a relationship (besides sex the night before and breakfast the next day, lol!), I thought a lot about my choices as a professional, a woman, and the resources available to make dating more positive and meaningful. After experimenting with online dating through OK Cupid for about three months, I can now say I’ve done my best, and now I’m done with it. Plain and simple, I’m out.

To explain to you the reasons why I am done involve back tracking through my experiment in using technology to find people with whom I might have similar interests and enough in common to warrant an IRL (in real life) meeting with someone. While offline dialogue can be fraught with misunderstandings, it was time to use my own training on relationships to seek one for myself, and to do this using the one method I had once felt adverse to try: online dating.

What I discovered might surprise you.

1. Prepare for the waterfall. And what a wonderful, cascading waterfall of men is it. OK, sure – there are a few men who need to work on their approach and profile, but there were so many others who were thoughtful, poetic, and intelligent. Within several hours of putting up a profile on OK Cupid, I received over 200 inquiries; within a week, I had more responders than I knew what to do with. Who knew? Apparently, not me!

Lesson learned: as a woman, you get more inquiries if you 1) ask for what you want, 2) have an attractive picture of yourself. Yes, you run the risk of being judged by your appearance. But let’s be honest here. We women are judging the men right back. Wearing baggy basketball shorts and a wife beater T-shirt in your 40′s? Next!

2. Take time to consider security and privacy. I was shocked how many people used their real name within their profiles, stating that honesty and transparency were the reasons why they are including their name and phone number in a message. Having been advised by others to do so, I decided not to give out my name or number to anyone unless after a first date, I had interviewed the person and felt moved to do so.

Lesson learned: it is fine to use a pseudonym. Any man who overreacts to your desire to remain anonymous does not understand the preciousness of the life you wish to protect. I would also advise men to do the same, as I have heard stories of women who terrorized their date after a sour encounter with a flood of angry emails, texts, phone calls, and even unannounced visits. Just say “no” to stalking behavior.

For those of us who have a stronger online presence, there are a few more steps you should consider in regards to privacy. I highly recommend you talk to someone who can advise you about safety without instilling inordinate amounts of paranoia in your head. It’s worth doing.

3. Create a strategy for finding the love that you want. My plan: 15 dates in 30 days, with the resolve to not accept second-round and elimination-round dates, if necessary, until after the first 30 days. I became an inquisitive speed shopper. During and after the date, I would take time to ask my key questions, write down observations, and record my “gut” instinct about whether or not I would want to see the person again for a second date. It’s all in an Evernote, for quick reference! I needed notes because frankly, the men were so good looking and dreamy, sweet and kind. But going on dates with different men can make it difficult to keep all the details separate, even though I have professional training to do so with hundreds of clients for my work. Keeping a few observations in writing felt like the most respectful thing to do to hold their stories straight and give myself a chance to consider each person carefully, as well as recover from the “swoon” affect of having so many bright and wonderful men engage me in a short period of time.

Lesson learned: not accepting second-round dates within the thirty days was actually harder than it sounds. I did not always honor my own plan, but I did try to stick to it the best I could. A professor once advised me to know the rules, love the rules, and therefore know where to break the rules. And so, I did. I broke my own rules. I have no regrets on that account. Still, a certain amount of restraint is in order. Dating can be exhausting.

Rather than put the decision of a second date on the shoulders of the man, I placed that decision on my own shoulders. I think it’s a often a default for many women to let the man do all the shopping, when the reality is this: women are the gate keepers. Men aren’t going to go anywhere with you if you don’t let them. If you say no, it ain’t happening.

4. Consider your feelings about dating several people at once. In my case, I chose to be transparent with all those with whom I accepted a date. Each was informed about my plan, and each man was given the option to “opt out” if he wasn’t comfortable with my man shopping plan.

I’ll be the first to tell you a few of men who inquired after me weren’t too pleased with my plan, though some of them were doing the same thing by soliciting dates from several women at once. Several told me my plan was bold. A few said they really respected my thoughtful process.

I can imagine that for a few, the thought of ending a fun date and imagining me having a date with someone else the next night could be anxiety-provoking. All of us like the idea of being chosen, even if only for the option of saying “no thank you”. The best I could do was to be fully present on each date, and give 100% of my attention to the man in front of me, enjoying him for all he is and all that his story holds, and being positive and encouraging. This aspect alone was perhaps the sweetest aspect of online dating, but I know that it isn’t for everyone. It takes a tremendous amount of presence and energy to care with that much intensity, and then to let go.

There is a certain joy I have in playing music that is unexplainable. My piano teacher, Mrs. Eleanor Hahn, used to tell me to play my notes on the piano as if I would never get to play them again, and to enjoy their resonance as each note sailed off into the universe, endlessly playing to the stars. Similarly, by singing each note of my life next to the note of the person sitting across from me, I have enjoyed the presence of these men, and I feel a some bitter-sweet sadness that it has come to an end.

5. Have an exit strategy. You should know how to graciously say “no thank you” after a date. You should also know when and how to end your online experience. These are not profiles you are dealing with – these are people who took as much risk as you do to say something about themselves. There is a certain amount of vulnerability I experienced when I clicked the “save” button, and posted my profile. The moments sending that profile “out there” were heavy, and though I’m not one prone to thumb biting, I suppose that might have been an appropriate action at the time!

You should have a sense of why you might take your profile down, change it, or update it. Having that same sensitivity towards those you interacted with says a lot about your respect towards yourself and others.

And so, here I am, done with online dating. I’m done, not just because the experiment is over, or I had a bad experience, or that no one is contacting me. I am done because I met someone special enough that I am taking my quivering heart, and my excitement mixed with a certain amount of fear that involves falling, and sliding my hand into his as my other hand is poised over the delete button. My profile has been disabled, after taking the time to wrap up some interactions with others gracefully and respectfully, and commenting on my experience with those who have drawn close enough to warrant it.

Thank you, online dating. Thank you, OK Cupid. You lost one more satisfied customer.

There were a number of you who responded both online and offline about my first foray into online dating. Please come back and leave your comments again. And for those reading this for the first time, I’d love to hear how your online dating experiences have been. I may be inclined to post an additional article about the best and worst of online dating, as many of my dates were amenable to sharing their best (and anonymous) stories of online dating happiness and horrors.

And for the rest of you who just found my blog because it is an “art blog”, I hope you’re not still scratching your head about why I’m talking about online dating here. But just in case you are, I highly recommend you re-watch the music medley of Nicole Kidman and Ewan McGregor in Moulin Rouge (starting out with “All You Need Is Love”), ending with Kidman’s whisper, “You’re going to be bad for business” (scroll up to see the Youtube clip from the movie).

I only wish she had also said how good he would be for art!